When I first met my husband almost seven and a half years ago, there was a lot going on in my life. A single mother, full time teacher at a public school and university, a Mary Kay lady, mother of a 5 and 8 year old, commuting 30 miles to teach in another town, overwhelmed with debts from a marriage that had left me wounded, in debt, and heartbroken. Peace was not something I knew, survival, however was something I was majoring in.
During those days I believed that if I planned well enough, tried hard enough, worked diligently enough, my life would be successful, and filled more with the peace and joy I was lacking. If I would only work harder I thought…. However, my life was just overwhelming me almost all the time. My countenance had learned fear as well as seen dark days of depression and despair for my future….I could win a Mary Kay car while teaching and working hard to keep the children handled, but I was not thriving with the weight of everything on me…and worse than that I was not the mother, daughter, teacher, or person I wanted to be.
You see, God had a different plan for me. He was just waiting for me to ask and submit myself to His plan. Around Christmas of that year, I had prayed that God would release me from the sole responsibility for my two young children and life thinking perhaps He could send the winnning lottery ticket, or arrange an inheritance from an unknown relative….. I had no intentions of remarrying, the marriage I had experienced was not a recommendation to me that I’d EVER want to do that again. But God had another plan.
God’s answer to my prayer for help at Christmas was immediate. The answer was short and to the point. “Trust me with every decision in your life” “WHAT?????? Surrender what little I did have control over????? Trust what I considered an on again off again God to make my life choices? Had God fixed my broken marriage? Had God turned my ex husband’s heart toward home? God wasn’t on my trusted creator list at that period of my life.
Yet, I heard and knew deep in my heart that coming to a new level of trust in God was exactly where God was asking me to go. The discipline that came with accepting was not at all pleasant. Think wild horse being given a bridle and bit for the first time. God would ask something of me….and I would buck and throw my head…”You’ve got to be kidding Lord” as He asked me to do the first thing. “Call your children’s father and ask forgivenss” WHAT! After all he’s done to me??!! “Ask him to forgive you for not being a submissive wife” Oh. my. gosh. But truly, days later when the pain of not obeying God was consumming me and nothing else was going right either, I did call my ex husband and apologize….the doors to our peace as joint parents to our children…..were reopened and that has made a positive difference in my life even today…
Pretty soon after that I found out that a man was driving to meet me from Oklahoma. A friend had set up the situation for us to meet unbeknownst to me. She had placed an ad on the internet advertising me as needing a date. For crying out loud I lived in a rural town, a single mom, a school teacher…the last thing I needed was this “friend’s” idea of a date, much less did I need anyone putting my picture on the internet for the whole world to see. I certainly was NOT going to go on a date with a complete stranger.
When I found out he was enroute to Arkansas, I purposefully left my town to go to the zoo 100 miles away, calling him in route to tell him never mind coming it was not happening. I apologized to him, explained the situation and expected him to go home. The man had the nerve to wait for me at my home town hotel and meanwhile had called my minister to check me out. (I was livid…btw…how DARE him come to my town, embarass me by asking questions to my minister!) Later, after much persuasion from my friends, minister and conscience, I did agree to having dinner with him….against my better judgement. Curiosity got the cat, after all the man did drive 400 miles to meet me. He must be desperate or sick, or both! I wanted to see what this fella looked like. Never mind that when he came to the door I was sure this would be a one time “mercy” date, for he was far better looking that I would ever catch! That night, our dinner conversation never slowed down. During that dinner God placed a knowledge deep in my spirit that said “this is your husband” “Uh huh God, I’m not looking for ANY husband and you can just take him back” but God made it clear, despite all logic, that Les indeed was to be my husband. Asking me to consider submitting my wills and marrying this man, one who was authoritative and was definitively going to be in charge. This man who’s spirit was one of peace, who was seriously into God obedience. Well, it was as though God was taking (me) a bull to a china shop and asking her to be gentle, to submit to a yoke I knew nothing about…..yet God placed in me such a desire to develop the relationship of firm assurance and peace that Les had with God. To speak and hear answers and to know God’s presence moment by moment in my life…..well, whatever Les had found with God, I wanted it!….to be continued
Oh my gosh, girl…everytime I think we couldn’t have more in common if we tried, you post something like this and I realize yet again that we DO!! I too wasn’t ever planning to do the marriage thing again, and when mutual friends tried to set me and Shayne up I kept saying no, no, no. I finally, reluctantly, agreed, telling all who would listen, “One date. One date only. You’ll see how uncompatible we are and that’ll be the end of that!!” Here we are, almost 11 years later………. 🙂
Somedays, I think you are my twin! 🙂