When one becomes an ex wife there is no rule book on how to behave. The world view is one that gives you points for being nasty, saying cunning remarks, and putting people in their places who might be involved with your once upon a time person. But our reality is that the groom and I have been divorced for a long long time and I have no reason to be jealous or upset that he is happy. I simply want them to be happy…despite what the world says, God tells us to love one another, God tells us we are to forgive others as we want to be forgiven, and if someone strikes you, to turn the other cheek…and I don’t know about you, but I have a lot in my past and present that needs forgiveness regularly….and I so want to learn not to take offense emotionally….but to see others through the eyes of God’s love.
For many years now I have been the ex wife of someone and I have had the opportunity to know and be around my husband’s ex wives. Yes, there are two. The children’s mother and my husband were married for 13 years, and then there was a short term bride for a few years as well, before I became his oldest, and last bride. (I have teased him for years that we shall be married happily as long as he chooses to live…that I’ve tried the title divorcee’ but widow sounds so much more gracious 🙂 ) The older children’s mother and I were able to forge a peaceful co existence that centers around loving her children and wanting the best for them. It has not always been easy, but we have chosen to make it work. This last weekend, my children’s father remarried. It began another path in our Blended family journey.
The new bride in my children’s lives is thirteen years older than my son. She is sixteen years younger than his father. That matters not, except its ironic that I too was 28 when the father and I were married some seventeen years ago They work together and truly seem well suited for one another and I am happy for that! The new bride’s wedding was a beautiful affair in another state. I drove the children to their grandparents home in the wedding town for the long weekend, then waited in a nearby town to pick them up the day after the wedding. I am thankful that the new bride has welcomed my children into their life. She was kind and thoughtful, including Madison in hair and makeup treats as well as included them in the wedding preparations and in the ceremony. It was important in this time of change that they felt “a part” of their dad’s new family. I am thankful.
While the new bride has embraced the children, there is tension between us. I am quite sure that no one has a rule book on what to do with a friendly 44 year old ex wife who still is considered part of the extended family to your groom’s family. His family and I have shared many years of knowing each other, I was a part of their family for over a decade…. While I know in my heart that I am no threat to the new bride or ever could or want to be, it is in my children’s best interest for us to not only get along, but to get comfortable in the same spaces….it’s got to be hard on her. An irritation. She has no idea what or who my agenda is. No idea if this is some sort of trap, this kindness and friendliness…..so of course she’s on guard. But we will continually share time and space with our children for many many years.
Blended family dynamics can be extremely difficult. There are so many more curves in what one who is not in a blended family has to deal with. I can easily see where taking the path of “snotty” might be a comforting method to deal with knowing someone else was married to your husband. “Mad” and “Ignoring” might be a whole lot easier than learning to accept each other as things are. I have so long been remarried that I can hardly remember the details of my children’s father….yet there are good and difficult memories connected to our raising children together that live on. I choose to pray for him, I choose to pray now for their marriage, for our relationship as parents of the same children. I choose to pray to ask God to help me deal with the part of my heart I surely don’t like looking at…. I choose to push aside the affronts that come my way as much as humanly possible, for I am sure many of them are not meant as they come across, its simply an awkward time for all.
The main thing is still the main thing. As mom (and a step mother) I know that there is no harm to my children by having yet another person for them to love and be loved by. I am always going to be their mom, she will always (hopefully) be their step mom….and we will both have things to add to their lives. The rules at our home will be the same, they will set the rules and norms at their home when the children are there….we will work together as much as possible and try very hard to work through the differences gently.
My life has been extremely blessed in the new life I have shared for the last almost seven years. It would be my joy to know that God has restored a life to be shared in this new marriage for them as well.
Meanwhile…..God is good…I am home from the wedding weekend, and the laundry has been procreating again while I was gone…..
