My days are filled with creating expectations of somehow living up to a personal life set of standards I cannot seem to manage. The truth is I am very imperfect, and my life is filled with proof of it. As a blended family, the fractures and patches of family relationships leave scars of a very imperfect life….and ones that don’t match the ones most Hallmark scenes advertise. This Christmas though, my goal was peace. Peace. When my children’s new stepmother misread the custody plan and had purchased tickets for the children a week they weren’t there, though it changed my entire plans…I chose peace and the children benefitted….when things did not turn out as well as expected in our time at home, I asked to be forgiven and chose to forgive. I think I fight perfectionism at home worse than anywhere else in my life. In my mind I so desire it to be beautiful, lovely, and treasured …surrounded by the things that I love that came from experiences or friends I treasured…my reality is often I am lazy, days too filled with living to be true to routines or disciplined about my schedules….living to me is more important than domestic schedules…While I truly delight in doing things “nice” I in no way judge what others want to do, I simply like creating lovely experiences….but so often unintentionally we impose our thoughts of beautiful, right, or well done on others…even when we don’t mean to….
What is important to each of us is our own heart and mind. What is important to me is to do what I can where I am. I am not wealthy, wise, or even talented…but I can offer comfort, consolation, and kindness…and that was my goal this Christmas. My life leaves much to be desired I am sure for those who have to live with me, my family, my extended family and my friends…..but this Christmas my expectation were to try to be as “present” as possible in my time with all of them….and I think, though imperfectly, I accomplished that.
