You know, I go along for a while on this journey with God, and I think that I am past some pains of my life, past being who I was, past trying to please to be acceptable, loveable…..then it hits me full force again that I am not as far past those days of inadequacy in my own skin as I would like to be. Today I was reading Jewelz and so engrossed in her sharing that she found it hard to rest in God’s presence, simply allow His embrace without merit or earning it. I am so there. My gosh in the qualifications for not being loveable, I so would merit a gold medal, perhaps set an olympic record, but God loves us and draws us near Him because he loves us, not because we deserve it. Its the whole pie, not just a piece….we don’t have to be this or that or achieve this or that to be loveable to God…..even when we are ourselves unloving, He still loves us.
Our days were created fresh each time we confess to God our past, it no longer exists, yet my own past continually has to be placed behind me purposefully, for my mind has a hard time realizing that I am forgiven for all of it….but harder still to know that I am loved despite it….yet I do know.
One of the ego issues I have had to settle with this week is I am still struggling with accepting I am enough without a title. As in teacher, writer, workshop provider, director……I am less comfortable in my own skin than I was in April when I was finally beginning to become that way. Why? Because somehow in my own mind I was not enough without some measure of personal and financial success or title……never mind that my husband is perfectly pleased for me to say I am simply his. Its not a strugge with whether or not I work, or whether its right or wrong, for I don’t begrudge anyone to do their gifts and callings….its a struggle to keep first things first. To not set aside things that my husband and I have carefully decided were importat to us….for things that are temporary or secondary to what our primary goals are.
This morning again I am humbled as I realize how easily off the path of obedience I fall…..and I long to sit at the feet of our Father and know that truly I am His well loved child.
God is good….and I am His.
