Most teenagers are not known for their honesty and openness when sharing all things with parents, in fact, walking down the train tracks is not much off how exactly having teenagers in the house feels to me….for it seems withour four, you always have to prepare for the next train that may head our way….be it poor choices, sexual conduct, academic tragedies, alcohol, or peer pressure, the trains are on the track. My children are no different. Teenage years are a time of trying out, emotional roller coasters, and well, plain ole “Let’s see what we can get away with” mixed with “I need you more than ever before Mom and Dad”. My second son at 15 has a stronger case of what we call “Testosterone poisoning …TP” than most. At six four and tenth grade, he has not only discovered the power of looking athletic, he owns the field of “I think I am so wonderful all girls must swoon at my sight.” where all things girls are concerned…..and the silly things are picking him regular! We won’t discuss how much he thinks my IQ as a parent has decreased as his TP has increased this year…..
We strongly feel as parents that dating is a group activity at 15. And that doesn’t mean group sex, drinking, drugs or other seriously bad choices. Bottom line, we’re not of the type that think alot of social dating is advantageous in high school. However, having a group of friends, and perhaps a special friend to hang out with, go to movies with, and have to share special occasions with, its not a terrible thing. However, doing this on the Beltline, in a moving vehicle or where others are going 70 mph while they try out attention seeking behaviors, well, that’s another thing altogether. So we believe in a middle ground.
The gauntlet thrown down to our boy is this: You are welcome to have your friends here, we will provide the Wii, Basketball court, movies, food, and privacy….as long as you participate with the concept of no drinking, no inappropriate touching, and appropriate language/behavior. He of course was a great deal hesitant to believe it could be “cool” to hang out at our house. After all, we have the smallest home of his friends, no pool, and after all, his parents think that they are, well, parents. He may only go to homes/activities we approve in advance, with folks we know and trust to supervise, and only then if his chores, responsibilities at home are being handled.
The things learned in the dinners we fix for them and the time spent with them is eye opening to son. Son, of course, feels we are the only interfering parents on the earth, so he was surprised to hear one “cool” friend say she wished her parents cared when she came in, and another one of the guys talked about how rough it had been since his dad was laid off work….as I had mentioned we make most meals because eating out is out of our range of budget more than once or so a month….and the visitor said he regularly just had to do without when they went out, for he simply didn’t have money for that if he was to keep his car. Son’s eyes were opened a little as the conversations visited all the same family conversations we have here too….frugality, expectations, difficulties of blended family schedules, etc. He realized he was not the only one who didn’t have unlimited money, time, or a life without difficulty.
Last night for the second or third time, he tried it out Club Home. (until now, he’s regularly been at Club P’s Home, a friend we allow him to visit regularly because his parents are plugged in) He and a group of four friends/girl friends came over, played basketball until exhausted, then dressed up and took pictures with their friends at the river (long story, but Winter Formal pics didn’t work out) then came here to homemade cream cheese brownies and Wii time….then the group did church and came home for a movie, lasanga, and pie. Madison participated for a little while with them for meals and such, the kids biggest event was Mamma Mia after church, they all snuggled up on my couch and watched with a quilt. (yes, and told all hands on top of the quilt…..I’m THAT kind of mama) and they ended up staying from about 3 to 8 p.m.
Our strictness with teenager parenting is not the norm for this town. Most teens are allowed to drive anywhere, anytime, for as long as they wish to and they are given huge financial resources to simply hang out with….we’re talking $100 a week allowances. After they arrived, in our case, I asked the girls involved if I may speak to their moms on the phone. I laid out the track work for their Mom’s to know what I would expect here, and what they could count on not happening, and asked the same if my boy comes to their home. (bottom line: no 1:1 time without supervision, no drinking, no cursing tolerated, and to expect courtsey at all times) I also set boundaries with teens and parents on when our son’s texting/phone time begins and ends, and provided the parents with our cell and home numbers. The parents seemed surprised we as parents have the ability to do this, and yet pleased for the idea. Moreover, the children are left off the hook, for they don’t have to be the “bad guys” we took the fall as the parent.
The deal for most teens is they simply want to hang out together, have some freedom to talk, be without judgement. I’m game for that….but within boundaries. The mistakes made in these years can be devestating….and though Icannot protect our children from everything, I can set up boundaries and keep talking to them until they can keep their own boundaries.
At the end of the night when son had taken his friends home….he came in and had had a good time. He recognized that we had kept our bargain….and yes, we learned a few truths that didn’t match what we had been told in the past on where/what son had been up to….but the truth is….he’ll be much more likely to be truthful with us as we spend more time with he and his friends, than if we are so rigid that we can’t allow him to be the teenager he is. Meanwhile, we’ll enjoy the weekend’s success that was had…..and look forward to the next time a herd of teens wipe out the frigerator……and fill our home with fun!
God is good…
We strongly feel as parents that dating is a group activity at 15. And that doesn’t mean group sex, drinking, drugs or other seriously bad choices. Bottom line, we’re not of the type that think alot of social dating is advantageous in high school. However, having a group of friends, and perhaps a special friend to hang out with, go to movies with, and have to share special occasions with, its not a terrible thing. However, doing this on the Beltline, in a moving vehicle or where others are going 70 mph while they try out attention seeking behaviors, well, that’s another thing altogether. So we believe in a middle ground.
The gauntlet thrown down to our boy is this: You are welcome to have your friends here, we will provide the Wii, Basketball court, movies, food, and privacy….as long as you participate with the concept of no drinking, no inappropriate touching, and appropriate language/behavior. He of course was a great deal hesitant to believe it could be “cool” to hang out at our house. After all, we have the smallest home of his friends, no pool, and after all, his parents think that they are, well, parents. He may only go to homes/activities we approve in advance, with folks we know and trust to supervise, and only then if his chores, responsibilities at home are being handled.
The things learned in the dinners we fix for them and the time spent with them is eye opening to son. Son, of course, feels we are the only interfering parents on the earth, so he was surprised to hear one “cool” friend say she wished her parents cared when she came in, and another one of the guys talked about how rough it had been since his dad was laid off work….as I had mentioned we make most meals because eating out is out of our range of budget more than once or so a month….and the visitor said he regularly just had to do without when they went out, for he simply didn’t have money for that if he was to keep his car. Son’s eyes were opened a little as the conversations visited all the same family conversations we have here too….frugality, expectations, difficulties of blended family schedules, etc. He realized he was not the only one who didn’t have unlimited money, time, or a life without difficulty.
Last night for the second or third time, he tried it out Club Home. (until now, he’s regularly been at Club P’s Home, a friend we allow him to visit regularly because his parents are plugged in) He and a group of four friends/girl friends came over, played basketball until exhausted, then dressed up and took pictures with their friends at the river (long story, but Winter Formal pics didn’t work out) then came here to homemade cream cheese brownies and Wii time….then the group did church and came home for a movie, lasanga, and pie. Madison participated for a little while with them for meals and such, the kids biggest event was Mamma Mia after church, they all snuggled up on my couch and watched with a quilt. (yes, and told all hands on top of the quilt…..I’m THAT kind of mama) and they ended up staying from about 3 to 8 p.m.
Our strictness with teenager parenting is not the norm for this town. Most teens are allowed to drive anywhere, anytime, for as long as they wish to and they are given huge financial resources to simply hang out with….we’re talking $100 a week allowances. After they arrived, in our case, I asked the girls involved if I may speak to their moms on the phone. I laid out the track work for their Mom’s to know what I would expect here, and what they could count on not happening, and asked the same if my boy comes to their home. (bottom line: no 1:1 time without supervision, no drinking, no cursing tolerated, and to expect courtsey at all times) I also set boundaries with teens and parents on when our son’s texting/phone time begins and ends, and provided the parents with our cell and home numbers. The parents seemed surprised we as parents have the ability to do this, and yet pleased for the idea. Moreover, the children are left off the hook, for they don’t have to be the “bad guys” we took the fall as the parent.
The deal for most teens is they simply want to hang out together, have some freedom to talk, be without judgement. I’m game for that….but within boundaries. The mistakes made in these years can be devestating….and though Icannot protect our children from everything, I can set up boundaries and keep talking to them until they can keep their own boundaries.
At the end of the night when son had taken his friends home….he came in and had had a good time. He recognized that we had kept our bargain….and yes, we learned a few truths that didn’t match what we had been told in the past on where/what son had been up to….but the truth is….he’ll be much more likely to be truthful with us as we spend more time with he and his friends, than if we are so rigid that we can’t allow him to be the teenager he is. Meanwhile, we’ll enjoy the weekend’s success that was had…..and look forward to the next time a herd of teens wipe out the frigerator……and fill our home with fun!
God is good…
