Part Two…Disrespectful children and feeling guilty

Part Two: A reader writes about feeling guilty…

Sweetie, I need to ask you for some prayer. I’m struggling with my issues with K (stepson). He has such a bad attitude all of the time and is so disrespectful. I only ask that he shows me respect and yet he rolls his eyes or like today tells me that he’s going to the mall and I have to pick him up during rush hour, not asks. I get upset because these are totally disrespectful. So, he starts crying and calling his dad. It’s so hard because when he’s not around I feel so peaceful. I feel guilty because of this. What advice do you have?

My friend, feeling relief is a natural response to an antagonizer not being around, don’t allow satan to use guilt on you! The voices that used to get me (now recognized as fiery lies from the pits of hades) are that “real women love every moment of their children’s lives” or “if only I loved them the right way they wouldn’t….” which is definately not true. I choose to love every part of my stepchildren and children, but I do not choose to love how they treat me or others when it causes strife. I can choose to recognize that things are often easier when they are away…that includes all four of ours!
Step mothering can be a really very thankless job during the teenage years. Heck, mothering is a very thankless job during those years. My stepchildren actually liked me well enough, but even then, there was never a day they didnt’ forget I was NOT their mom, as much as I would have liked to have been. At that time I hadn’t raised a teenager. However, they lived in my home all but about 42 days a year, so I was who they had to live with. So much of it was a loyalty issue to their natural mom, and issues of being a teen period….but it was hard not to take it all as direct attacks on me, period. I was the one feeling the attacks after all…and very often the one being attacked as the easy target…and the very same one facing handling the very real day to day needs of the child despite being resented.
Stepmoms who have tensions with children need more than other moms time to do 1:1 fun things with that child. Time to take time out alone without anyone else. Time to recover from the often strife filled situations home can be. It is also twice as important in my own opinion to attack the problems that come spiritually, with Bible reading, praying, and time listening for the Holy Spirit to lead you in how to rid yourself of the anger, upset, resentment, and pain that any upsetting relationship brings into your home and life. Many times after praying about situations, God would so clearly show me a new perspective of how that child or the situation might be viewed differently. As an old fashioned mom, so many of my parenting styles were based on rigid and control with alot of affection, where my children’s home had been fairly loose and loving
with little correction. I had to learn to correct carefully so that they truly could hear it….for every corrective statement seemed to carry 100 lbs of weight in my stepchildren’s hearts….and they rarely heard the praises deeply.
There are differences on how we treat children (some very unintentionally and without our awareness) Dialogue as much as you can, even if its not very fruit producing, on how son would have you do it differently when its not the heat of the moment. Sometimes other siblings can give you insight, my stepdaughter was immeasurable help in figuring out her brother. My son and I regularly have to revisit a previous day’s event to calmly go back over why something went very wrong….like telling me instead of asking me…or leaving out important details of what he was up to…. Sons in my experience, like to challenge your power continually….and in my case, one would not respect me until I flat stood up to him and said “or else” and knowing full well he’d try the else part….so I had to be prepared to follow it up…..and quick to recognize the first time he did ANYTHING towards changing and praise it.
But with listening, realigning, and continued consistency, we live in a happier household…..albeit not a perfect one by a long shot.
Meanwhile….know you are not alone, it IS tough, and spend time with other step moms via email, phone, or in person, I bet you’ll find you’re not alone!