Part Two… What’s the hardest part of being divorced?

Part Two…What’s the hardest part of being divorced….

When you’re a single working mom of two children 3 and 6, you learn very quickly after a difficult marriage that there are worse things than being single and stable in a job, apartment and life. You learn that while bills are split by judges, that child support ordered often doesn’t come for years if ever, that bills unpaid by an ex spouse are legally given to you to pay. You learn that a teacher’s salary, even after selling the house, moving to a less expensive area, it barely affords an apartment and daycare while you work two jobs to maintain your debt and keep food on the table. You learn that living in the Bible belt doesn’t mean Christians don’t use the belt of shame and guilt on you for failing in marriage….sometimes without even knowing they did.

One of hardest thing about being in a family affected by divorce is knowing that you will be starting completely over. Financially, emotionally, physically starting over and living the daily walk of picking up the pieces alone while you try to create a stable, healthy, warm environment for your children to mend in. You learn you can do a whole lot of things you never thought you could….in my case, win a red Mary Kay car, because our life required that kind of extra money on top of teaching to simply cover the bills, we’re not talking nails or hair coloring, we’re talking food!….We won’t even discuss the public stigma of being divorced in the church. Your support system in church may be mostly non existant, for most churches haven’t come to a place of healing, though many now offer divorce recovery programs. Meanwhile, if you weren’t already dealing well with your ex spouse, divorce doesn’’t buy you the ticket that says ” whoo hoo! he’s gone forever”…you bought the ticket that says with half what you had, you will now try to forge a new relationship with your children’s father, to put the children first, and your problems aside.
If you are lucky, you will learn to communicate peacefully, will attend conferences together, ballgames, you will both still love the children dearly, and you will have to put their needs first, even if it makes your skin crawl when someone who hurt you terribly needs to be in their life for them to be whole. The children always need both parents….whether you realize it or not.(and while it may be necessary to keep them safe if an adult’s behavior is child safe, they still need you both in the ways they can participate)

You will learn to plan and pack your children for alternating holidays to someone else’s home to share their special days without you. You will learn to create your own special holidays. You will learn to smile when your child runs home to want to call “Dad” to say he won the science fair, even though you worked through the evening to help make it happen, he’s not anxious to tell you, the one who has rules in his life, but hero worships Dad, who often doesn’t have to play that role in the 72 hour weekend visits……you learn that sometimes single Dad’s have alot of money for presents, trips, and fancy things even when they don’t officially have a job that can be tracked and don’t pay child support….and the children don’t understand why mom can’t do that….after all, you’re only paying for everything else without help. Insurance and clothes aren’t nearly as exciting as iphones or trips to amusement parks. But you learn to be thankful that they have their father, for they need him, even if its not the way you would prefer them to experience him….

To be continued in Part Three…..

God is good…..and He’s definately in the business of restoration….