Presence…choosing to slow down…..

My children used to have a mom who was a public schoolteacher, a facilitator at districts, a praise team leader, a volunteer at the afterschool program, not to mention a very busy car driving Mary Kay lady and one who had little time but to shuffle them to the things supposedly we all are to send them to. We made the soccer leagues, the church choir, youth and all the things in between. Never mind that we were tired, these were good things to do we knew and at that time being a single mom, one had heard that it was “lazy” not to do them. Once married again, two high school children came with the deal, a husband’s laundry to the already overflowing pile and a few more activities that a family requires…..dinner at the table was simply a refuel enroute to somewhere else….most often hastily prepared and without alot of relaxation while eating.
Now my children have a mom who works during the early afternoon while the others are away, homeschools our youngest, and is there for breakfast every day. I no longer push the envelope with car pools so they wouldn’t have to go at 6:30 a.m. like they did before. I wake them myself. We still do sports, but only one sport or lesson per semester…their choice for the most part which one. As much as I love praise team, I am sitting it out this spring…..for one simple reason.
My children enjoy my presence with them.
I have a fourteen year old son who will come to where I work, even if its the dreaded folding clothes…just to be near me to talk and spend space together as he calls it. I have a child in elementary homeschool who hums while she works because being near Mom makes her happy. I have an eighteen year old stepson who smiles at me when his cookies are on the stove when he walks in the door because I am home now and make time for them.
Is this my easiest life? Uh hmmm……No. Making yourself available for five other people is not easy nor even popular at times. (Amazing what you catch when you’re not running like a chicken with its head cut off) Changing from a monthly teaching paycheck to one that is earned literally one hour at a time on the computer or makeup compact when everyone else’s needs are handled is a little frustrating at times. Ignoring the worldly view that its about me and my desires somedays is tough, you don’t get bonus points in the media or at home for doing what needs to be done. It is particularly difficult some days when I know in fact it was alot easier on me personally to work full time, and there was alot more recognition for a job done….there was less selfishness showing…after all when one works one cannot expect to keep a home well, keep laundry caught up, prepare nutritious meals….but when one’s job is that….well, the excuses grow thin. (and my laziness shows much more clearly when it comes to jobs I don’t always enjoy doing)

However….

The longing I had in childhood from my own professional mom was her presence. For her to be available to me to discuss school, to have her bring the cookies to class, to be with me when I was sick at home. I was so caught up in the world’s view and our budget’s view of what HAD to be that I almost didn’t resign when God clearly was calling me home….despite the fact my mother was dying and needed me, despite that my children were struggling in a new stepfamily and needed me, and despite that my heart had said come home long ago, not to mention my husband. My husband’s desire growing up was to have a wife who was glad to see him when he came home from work, to greet him with a smile and a welcome home kiss…..it is part of his vision of a happy life. I am glad to provide it!

Presence. There are moments we cannot get back. My mom is gone now, so I am thankful for the eight months at home I had caring for her in her home. I am thankful for the second grade plays I attended that I would have never seen teaching down the street from where she was. For the baseball games and honor society programs I can now attend most times. I am thankful for a thousand moments of time that only being home allowed.
Is it easy? No. In fact at least once a month I have to push down the selfish me and remind myself that this is a season of life and will be quickly past me if I don’t enjoy them while I may. I have to remind myself when our budget is tight that we’ve never gone with out God is our provider….(but where is the verse on how to pray for a Mini Cooper instead of a Minivan?)
My time with God is much the same way. It is so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life…..I forget how much my life is enriched when I find time for God’s presence in my daily routine. I get going so fast that a quick reading and prayer time becomes the norm instead of the time to be quiet and revel in God’s presence until He reveals Himself to me and my innermost voice and needs. I forget how in the presence of God I become the wife, mother and most of all person God instructs me to be…..

Thank you Lord for your presence….for loving me as I am…for helping me to grow as you designed me to be……help me to be obedient to your whisperings and to remain in your presence always…