Saturday

Happy Saturday. Its a coolish fall day in Alabama, the house is quiet and yard sales call to my husband and I. A neighborhood close to us is having the neighborhood wide annual sale…and it is one of Les and I’s favorite activities, but I simply don’t tolerate breezes and bright light still, so we may go for a few minutes then come home.
The last few weeks have been very humbling and illuminating. I turned 45, I spent 4 weeks not focusing , a few more weeks realizing that healing can’t be hurried, and really spent much time searching my heart.
When I was young, power, prestige, and success was defined in being in “leadership” in the organizations I participated. I was often tapped for the plow horse positions of beginning and tasking new things for organizations…..tough jobs…..worthwhile endeavors…and ultimately roles that take much time, effort, and are worthwhile only because you know others will benefit, but you most likely were blungeoned a bit for the doing. Why me? Because I always believed the “big pictures” were worth the pain of getting them done…..and refused to see the often horrific odds we were facing to make those changes…..and very often we succeeded out of blind innocense of knowing we couldn’t ….we simply learned what we needed along the way and asked for help when we didn’t know how….
As a middle ager I settled more into more personal ways to help others. I reduced many of the “large picture” organizations I worked with and chose instead to invest my time and heart in those who were near me. Help the eighty year olds down the street by feeding them dinner nightly, take them to a doctor’s appointment, tutor at the local school, begin a children’s program in our small town for the children of the town….
Now at the end of my forties I find that all definers of me are changing. I seek to be a person I can like….love….and that means to me one that puts her family first, one who works hard to do right things, …and knows at night that she accomplished what God put before her that day….in obedient ways….and lived life choosing to care for others and herself in kind and gentle ways. Friends have come and gone, so much of my extended family is gone….those whom I surround myself with in this decade are new to me, unfamiliar and leave me feeling very alone at times, though I am thankful for new friends too.
My definers of who I am and what I want to be are changing…..and I like this old girl who is slowly evolving…..the Potter’s wheel has been spinning again, more often squashing, pushing down and starting over, than putting on the finishing touches….but I like the new shapes and structures He’s building, not matter how much I fight God to do so….

This day is a new day, I will rejoice and be glad in it.