Teenage years bring many joys and sometimes more challenges for children, stepchildren and mothers. When my older two were young teenagers, they had been raised in an environment where no one dared speak back to a parent….so their method was passive agressive pay backs. However with my oldest natural son, he has thought since birth that what he said counts…..and I am paying for that raising at teenage years. The need for independence is great for any teen…its a stretching time, a time to learn how to be independent, yet without the experience or wisdom that experience brings. You want them to experience success and the consequences of their actions, yet still protect them from life altering experiences.
Popularity in parethood is a shakey place if you think you need to live there. This morning I’m on a popularity poll of 0, maybe -500 with my teen. I am not pretending to be my children’s friend…at this age, they don’t need a friend, they need a parent. Ever the unpopular choice, consequences and making sure they follow through with their responsibilities IS my job. Today is one of those days….a child is grounded, his wings clipped for an unspecificed amount of time at this point. Tomato staked back to mom at 15……friends allowed to come to our home for family time shared…but he’s not going anywhere for a while. You see, when a teenager gets so removed from family values and his/her influences are being radically changed by folks under 16…well, its time to pull them in a while….and love on them….and yet be very clear of what is expected until their choices and attitudes are closer to the ones your family requires. In a blended family, you have to hold firm to your choices too…for you may or may not be supported by the other parents, who often are sympathetic to whatever negative is said about you as the custodial parent. Again, its not about what works for the other family or parent, although its very important to consider them, include them if possible…but what is first on the list is doing what is best for the child….even if it means having to confront an angry out of town dad or mom who only bothered to hear the child in trouble’s version of what happened….note to self….do not fall into this trap when teenagers try to play you this way, ask the other parent what happened first. Teenager are known for keeping a three way going….so the attention is off their mistake and action!
Anger seethes within me…my natural flesh wants to tan the hide of this testosterone poisoned, attitude needing adjusted kid, at 15 it would be a bit hard since he’s 6’4″ and bigger than I am, shaking a finger would mean looking up :)….but the truth is I needed to be able to deal with him with correction, not anger, so I waited until this morning when I had had time to evaluate and present the issue and the consequence without anger. It was like a spitting match…he came back with barb sending jabs of verbalisms (you know the ones…you’re ruining my life, you just like finding faults…everyone does that when they are a teenager)…..I reminded him calmly I didn’t make him lie to me or his coach (whether facefront or by omitting facts)…..he writhed in anger while telling me the million ways I was ruining his life by expecting him to be honest and reliable….I assured him his choices over the next few days would affirm whether grounding needed to continue or he was ready to be more on his own again….he went for the jugular with a cutting guilt laying comment knowing it had wounded in a past confrontation…..I told him once again I was sorry he felt that setting aside his part in why we were talking and changing the subject was not going to change the facts that he had made poor choices.
Growing Into Lovely…accepting that some parenting jobs, like dealing with helping your child face up to his responsibilities and mistakes….are part of the job description of parent, but it can and must be done without anger….however hard it is….and its VERY hard. However, he needs experience and be held accountable that intimidating people with words to get your way is bullying….and that mom’s words don’t have to be loud to be strong….when he faces bosses, authorities, and a future wife, fighting that way is simply not okay….that there is a time for accepting responsibility for your actions and paying the consequence of your choices…and today starts his.
God is good…..and I am so thankful the Holy Spirit will be with me always
