When my blended family first became a part of my life I thought being a good step mom to their natural mom would be to keep her apprised of what happened in their lives. I tried to keep an email journal going to their mom…who lived 400 miles away. I would tell her of their day, of their life, send pictures, and try to keep her informed of who her children were once a week. I thought it was a kind thing, something I would need if the situation were reversed…..only to find out later that she was so fragile, facing such a hard road as not raising her children…..that the emails were painful for her to read….each one a reminder that some other woman she barely knew was raising her children. Out of ignorance, I had unintentionally hurt her…..blended families have to navigate carefully, for what is kindness in one’s mind is intentional infliction of pain from another’s perspective.
I have a friend whose ex husband basically manipulated the court system into taking my friend’s three young boys and leaving with her best friend. That my friends is an amazing piece of work…and one I do not even like to believe our courts can allow, much less cause. Her children were gone for 5 years before she found them again….and then legally she had no right to contact them. Six years down the road, the natural father, now left by who left him, is fighting the same experience with his youngest child, whom the intruder took from him ….all this to say, the one not raising her children has a very hard row to hoe. Society, church, family all assume that something “bad” must have happened to lose custody….but sometimes its simply a case of someone had more money or the better lawyer….custody isn’t always about the children’s welfare, but who puts on the better legal stage.
Our children’s natural mother had not had custody of them in several years….long before I had even met their father….they had been his solely by custody. Before marrying my husband, I had met with and texted their mother….wanting to somehow let her know that her children would be safe, that I would love them, and that she would be welcome to come to their life events….or when she could….to have her word as well, that my children would be safe with the man she had left….to make sure there were no hidden nightmares I hadn’t experienced….
We have forged a different path as a blended family. Our children love their other families. They want to be a part of them, and we have honored that…..we have legal papers in place that define visitation, but in our case, we only have to resort to them when someone’s feathers get ruffled on some side…then usually within weeks, there is a more lenient, understanding agreement on who needs to be where when. The children need all of us, despite some days I wish they didn’t.
Our oldest daughter (my stepdaughter) during college years, returned to her natural mother’s area in another state…..she had a need to help find a path with her mom, they had heart work to do. She didn’t live with her but for a few weeks, but settled near her so she could indeed know her Mom, Grandma, and extended maternal family more closely. At first this seemed so hard, for we had so enjoyed her living with us and near us….but the truth is, we are both her family, and young adults need to know who they are….and their family…..and four years later, I am proud that she had the intestinal fortitude to do what her heart needed her to do….she has healed much of the wounds that divorce dealt her.
I do not have the experience of having to forge a relationship with new spouse that someone left me for. Our divorce happened long ago and seems far away at this point….My exhusband is getting remarried this weekend in fact….I’m taking the children later today for a seven hour or so drive so they can be a part of his wedding. I’ll hang out in a town close to them, and pick them up on Sunday. The new bride will be their step mother, and it is my fervant hope and prayer, that we can work together so that visitations and special days will be shared with her….for she now is part of the children’s extended family. I hope that they will find happiness together and live a long, happy life…..for my own remarriage has been the happily ever for seven years now and I would want the same for the children’s father….and for the children!
God is good!
