Relationships in the South can go decades long among individuals. Where I was reared, it seemed that families considered you a newcomer until your folks were around for at least two generations in the small town. As we prepare to move into our new community, the first citizen I met was a spry eighty-five year old with two generations working with him in his business. I loved visiting with Mr. D. as he explained his inventory goals and how his sons work with him in the business. The trip for a carton of product turned into a delightful few minutes just a mile from home. In a small town folks know you. They know your good days and they know your flaws. Character, honesty, integrity are not just highfalutin concepts there; yours are known in a small town, and often not forgotten. This past Sunday our minister, Brother Gary, revisited the eye for an eye concept. You see, we hear it and often go for the harshness of the retaliation, but in its day the law was meant to limit how much retribution could be had for grievances done to you. It was to prevent someone from retaliating by taking your eye, and your farm too for a grievance.
Do you limit how long and how hard you take offense? You know I share a story often about how many Christian folks I know must be living in endless days. The Bible says clearly we are not to let the sun set on our anger, so I figure folks are getting mighty tired of not having an end of their day. We prefer too often to pick and choose what is forgivable and how long someone must pay before we forgive them, or perhaps we “weigh” the forgiveness. . .they can have relationship but not without reservation returned to the relationship.
Which sins do you consider bigger than others? The fellow who hung on a cross seems to point out quite regularly that even thinking an action is the same as doing it. That the fellers on the cross beside him were as forgivable for their sins as anyone else. It seems to me that we all tend to fall short of trusting in God to take care of that which comes against us. It’s a funny thing though what happens when we do not return anger, when we choose to respond with peace and caring. It’s like an elixir that even the roughest character eventually respects.
When I was a teacher in the classroom for a couple of decades, I worked on a discipline system that believed that whatever natural consequences as well as school consequences happened were the end of it. No reminding, no repeating that this or that happened before, simply deal with the day at hand. My guys were not the saints; in fact, I worked with children labeled behavior disordered. That ranged from a child who shot his mom at age nine to many who had blown out of foster care with acting out. The thing was, in my classroom, over eighteen months, they changed. It seems to be something the district and the psychologist who worked with our classes were interested in. After three years of being there, it finally dawned on me. The children were thriving because every.single.day. I chose to begin from a place of believing in their ability to be their best self that day. I just didn’t have the mental stamina nor heart to keep a count of their failure to comply. . .and strangely enough, often soon after coming and discovering I wasn’t keeping score, they chose to align to the things we did notice…and affirm, actions of good judgment. Personally I need that kind of presence in my life, folks who believe and expect the best of me, affirm the best in me, and want the best for me.
What do you notice in your relationships? Facebook and other social media channels remind me daily of the power to affirm or align to a society and life I want to live in or not. The habit of negativity is simply that. . .a habit. I personally want relationships where people mourn when we mourn but look to affirm that which is good, a blessing, and right in the world. Like the students in my classroom, I believe that we align to what is noticed, what is affirmed, and what is expected. Our own patterns of behavior change when we affirm ourselves, when we note with kindness that which we are doing towards our goals and celebrate often the smallest of victories. Personally that included buying juice and water this week instead of colas. It’s a small thing for me, but for one who has rarely drank something other than a caffeinated cola or coffee in two decades, choosing to grab the 16-ounce water several times a day is huge win. I first start by buying the smallest water bottles so I could say “I did it” several times a day. Now I am ready to do the celebration less often a day, but I still do it with bigger bottles.
Baby steps in relationships matter. Has your family gotten into the slump of not being gracious with one another? How often do you say thank you for the smallest things and kindnesses others do? Where are you appreciative of that towel being hung up instead of slung on the counter? How often do you thank a spouse or a loved one for doing their job daily and coming home with a paycheck? Relationships last a long time when each member in the relationship takes the time daily to affirm, appreciate, and activate the chemistry that keeps us in them by using our words and our actions to fuel the relationship. Not a talker? Notes work just fine as do messages left or emails. I cannot tell you how often Mr. Berry does just this. He takes the time to tell his workers, his wife, and our children why they matter and gives specific examples.
Personally I’m in the market to know folks a few decades and generations in a positive relationship. How about you? That happens not by being perfect, but by owning our actions and reactions and offering forgiveness as well as appreciation along the way. What are you known for in your household? At work? In the community? How does that compare to what you’d like to be known for? This year I am allowing the time to encourage, empower, and engage more positive behaviors.
