What do they call me?

When I first committed to remarry, I was a public school teacher in a small town. I knew right away that as we married we’d have to find some way to manuever what the children would call me. As a naive soon to be step mother in the deep South, I knew that calling me by my first name would not work in a school setting, yet Mrs. B sounded really distant, I would have full custody of my two new children, ages 12 and 16 from day one, so the quandry began. As an adult, I wasn’t really comfortable with a 12 and 16 year old calling me by my first name. As a Southerner, I knew my society wouldn’t appreciate it either, a rural place where children were allowed to call a close grown friend Miss ______ and always expected to say Yes Ma’am.
We pondered alternate names for Mom, they had a natural mom in another state, but there were a zillion other language words for Mom that might do….without taking her space….yet my older step daughter struggled with why she just couldn’t call me by my given name. The issue for me was: 1) as a teacher, she couldn’t use my first name at school period. 2) at home, there was a respect level issue in play for power when she as a teenager was using my name as though she were an equal footed adult. 3) I simply wasn’t okay with my first name being called by a child in my home when she was less than pleased with me, it had too casual an air.
In my own world of my natural children being around their father’s friends, they used the term Miss ____ for the woman in his life. It worked for them and it was fine with me, she liked it and all was well. I wondered in my own mind if I would mind if they called someone else “mom.”
Truthfully, it isn’t my issue in life, I called two of my close friend’s mother’s “Mom” growing up, its an endearment term to me, not a specific this means my mama name for me personally.
We allowed and encouraged the children to find their own comfortable answer on the name game. My daughter did call me Mrs. B at school, and as she graduated, she chose her father’s nickname for me and all is well. My step son slowly referred to me as “mom” in conversations to his friends, but called me by my given name or in a syrupy sweetness “Oh mother dearest” at home. (usually with a favor in tow) When my father remarried after my mother’s passing a few years ago, no one could take Grandmother’s name for they had been very close to my mom, but the children quickly chose Grandmama for our much loved new Step Grandmother…..and it works!
It really is okay to go a number of different routes with how you handle the name game. A lot of factors weigh in. Does it affect someone else’s territory personally? Is the child initiating the change or is someone manipulating it? Most of all, children need to live in a guilt free environment for choosing to love other people besides ourselves, and if they want to have endearment names for those others who care for them as well, it should be their right! My natural daughter, who was six when I remarried, calls the step dad “Daddy” and differentiates her natural father as “Dad” with just as much adoration for both. My natural son chose another name for me “Sweet Mama” which he still uses at fifteen. Who knows why! Perhaps wishful thinking.
I had lunch with a new friend who married her husband with his two year old. In her case, the child knew the paternal Grandma as the “mom” in his life, so the friend is okay with the child calling her by her first name, though she might perhaps prefer it to migrate to Mom since she has been the only mom he knows in person daily in their home. Such things can be discussed.
The important part is the child’s need. Does he/she need a name that doesn’t draw attention? Does it bother he/she that they have a different home situation as a blended family than their friends. Each child is different, in our family, one child very much needed to call me Mom because he didn’t like being different from his other friends (the only stepchild around that area) other children aren’t affected by such concerns. Listen, ask, and talk about this…you may be surprised at what your spouse and children tell you!
Btw….I call myself simply blessed, for I have indeed been by the presence of all my children…both natural and step in my life!