“Why would anyone even WANT to marry someone who has been married before?”
“Are you kidding me, I wouldn’t raise someone else’s kids no matter what…”
“Ugh….two stepchildren…..Who would ever want to……?”
Sometimes words can really hurt. I think Satan works hard to keep fiery darts coming at us some days. Last week, just before I was to meet a new friend of a friend, I heard her say “Can you believe it? Jim married Sue…why in the WORLD would he EVER want to marry a two time loser in marriage and raise her two kids to boot??” She went on to explain that this new wife was probably a loser, how people who are divorced are always such “mental cases” and she was disgusted by the whole nine yards.
My heart sank into my coffee cup. There it was, judgement. I immediately put on my heart armour, for I knew the next few moments would be tough for me personally. Here I was, a soon to be new person to a person who had strong feelings about remarriage, divorce, and people just like me. You see, I fit the bill ….I’m the one someone married after two divorces with two children…..I am still that woman eight years later.
Divorce is a public sin. People know. It is not something you can hide when you remarry. My children have another Dad, he is their biological dad, though my husband Les fathers them in our home. They are very connected to their natural father too. My step children are close to their mother too, but they were reared in my home as children and teenagers. Sometimes its tough, when we moved to another state, it was sorely tempting, I have to be honest, to never mention my first or second marriage again….but you see, I am not ashamed anymore. God has forgiven me my shortcomings, heck most days its a hourly event in my life to go to God with the latest list, and I will not allow satan, Susie, or anyone else to tell me I should feel ashamed. Am I sorry? You better believe it. I would be the first to tell you ( and I believe Les would too) that if your marriage is in trouble, you want to seek help…you want to realign your relationship if at all possible….divorce is ugly and even when its friendly, it wounds and causes pain you will always bear the scars of. Les and I work with other couples both single, married, and having issues to help them NOT go through with divorces…we think its that important. We know that most families simply need help with establishing boundaries and by hosting workshops we can help families have the tools to stay together as families and step families.
In some ways I am the woman of the well. ….imperfect….a sinner….a woman with a past.
Jesus didn’t spend time berating her for her behavior but told her to go and sin no more. The other women of the village didn’t let her off so easy…didn’t you notice that she went to the well alone, a time when other women usually gathered with their friends as they worked? When Les and I decided to marry so long ago, we were very aware that we had both fallen short of God’s plan for our individual lives…but we also knew that what was in our past was over…it could not be retrieved. God beautifully restored our hearts separately and together…and later brought us together in a new marriage. We both had Biblical reasons to be divorced, however, that’s not my topic today. The truth is I was 100% responsible for 50% of my marriages failing. I can tell you today that if I had been half the wife and half the grown up I am now neither marriage most likely would have failed. You see, I married with “all the answers” the first time, I thought I was “in charge” and “knew best” I was a horrible wife. Submissionwas something you did writing a book to me, it had nothing to do with behavior at home. I shudder to think how I acted and spoke to my first husband now……I was a teacher and you would have thought he was my student the way I talked to him…..I was and am imperfect. My second marriage lasted for over a decade…and it wasn’t pretty. While I had learned many lessons and was a better wife, sometimes divorce simply isn’t your decision….and after a decade I found myself alone with two children…and a pile of debt, embarassment, shame, and horror. It took a long time for God to rebuild my heart that time…to help me find peace again….
The lunch meeting continued. I introduced myself and the new friend of a friend immediately asked what I thought about what she should say to her friend who was embarking on the new marriage to a twice divorced woman. There were a few more comments about the marriage “I hope she doesn’t expect any presents, who in the world would have a wedding? “I had to gather my calm and keep my heart armour on….but I replied “well, I don’t think I am the one to ask, you see my husband had the same issue, he married me after two divorces and I had two small children to boot, a family opposed to my remarriage, and yet I feel he is one of MY biggest blessings….we live a happily ever after life” “It’s not always been easy, we faced alot of criticism for remarrying, but we have a wonderful life together.
She looked at me as if to search my face. She looked me up and down literally as she said “No! I don’t believe that….Robin said you teach a Bible study, they wouldn’t let you if you were divorced” as though it would make her much more comfortable if I hadn’t just told her that.
sigh
the lunch went on thankfully on a different topic, my friend Robin successfully changed the subject. However I spent the rest of the day fighting the fiery darts Satan was throwing:
“See you are a freak”
“That’s what they ALL think about you behind your back”
“Why did you think you could ever deserve to have a normal life after all you’ve done”
You see, Satan uses people as bait. That woman had nothing personally against me. She didn’t know me. She had heard about me and wanted to meet me….but Satan used her to try to hurt me. Her views were simply her experience and her lack of experience with divorce herself (thankfully for her!)
We must all be aware of the questions. The statements we make without awareness of the shoes that someone else has walked. It is so very easy to judge others behavior as unacceptable, unloveable, unconsciousable…but the truth is we all are loved, forgiven, and restored if we seek God’s heart and forgiveness. I keep checking my Bible for a rating scale of sins and the truth is disobedience to God is sin…whether its in the area of divorce, pride, gluttony, or what have you….I fall short of God’s desire for my life daily, its what keeps us close as I seek His face to help me find my way….to change my heart to be more like His.
I guess my message today is to say that as long as people are humans there will always be questions….but the answers of who you are, what you are, and who you’ll be are in the Bible. It doesn’t matter what someone else thinks of you…..it truly doesn’t….my pride was wounded that day, I wanted so much to be liked, accepted, appreciated, but the truth is God didn’t tell me it was my job to be any of those things….but to love others as I love myself and to turn the other cheek when she wounded me….when others don’t accept us to wipe the sand from our sandals and move on…
I’ve done it, you’ve done it, we’ve all judged others unfairly…..its easy to do….I can remember telling my own mother that I’d NEVER do what she did with MY children….yet years later I recognize my own behavior matching hers with my teenagers….you see, from a different perspective, the situation was different….boundaries DO need to be kept with teenagers and other relationships….whether the teenager likes it or not!
How does Satan use questions to get to you? Do you struggle with questions by others in your own life when they are asked?
hugs
